The Three Laws of a Healthy Relationship

This SXSW 2026 session brings together relationship expert and New York Times best-selling author Jillian Turecki, mindfulness and optimism expert Case Kenny, and moderator Cory Allen for a wide-ranging conversation on the foundations of healthy, lasting relationships. The discussion is structured around three core themes — self-awareness, communication, and the nature of love as a practice — with the speakers drawing on psychology research, personal experience, and practical frameworks to offer actionable guidance.

Jillian Turecki opens by addressing one of the most fundamental questions in relationships: how do you know when you are with the right person? She argues that partner selection is among the most consequential decisions a person makes, yet it is routinely approached with insufficient rigor. The right partner is not a perfect person — all individuals bring trauma, flaws, and evolving needs to a relationship — but someone who is genuinely invested in you, who accepts you as you are while still encouraging growth, and with whom you share alignment on non-negotiable life decisions such as whether to have children, financial values, and a shared vision for what a life well-lived looks like. Turecki emphasizes that the fantasy of an angelic, effortlessly compatible partner is a product of early-stage limerence, not a realistic basis for long-term commitment.

Case Kenny introduces the concept of optimism as the engine of a healthy relationship, offering a definition grounded in Martin Seligman's research on explanatory styles: optimism is the belief that things can change. He breaks down three cognitive dimensions — permanent vs. temporary, personal vs. situational, and pervasive vs. specific — and shows how language shapes which explanatory style a couple defaults to during conflict. Using the linguistic distinction between "but" and "and," Kenny demonstrates how a single word can either foreclose conversation ("I love you, but you always do this") or hold space for growth and resolution ("I love you, and here's what keeps coming up"). He also draws on the cognitive science of "vision-first" thinking, arguing that couples who frame their relationship around a positive vision before cataloguing obstacles are more likely to treat those obstacles as problems to solve rather than reasons to give up.

The session also explores when to end a relationship, how to heal from heartbreak, the role of self-distancing techniques in emotional regulation, and the problematic belief that long-term commitment means settling down — a phrase Kenny dissects as containing both "settle" and "down." Turecki delivers a nuanced answer on breakups, arguing that most long-term relationships end not because love disappears but because partners fall into learned helplessness — a pessimistic, permanent, pervasive explanatory style about the relationship's future. She recommends a structured process of identifying each partner's core needs and committing to meeting them fully for 30 to 90 days before making an exit decision. The session closes with rapid-fire reflections: Turecki's most salient insight is that love is a verb, not a feeling, while Kenny's is that the right relationship makes you more playful and alive — not less.